Be the Person Who Bridges the Divide

Originally posted in Legacy Magazine Volume VI

In the past few years, I have been fortunate enough to welcome two friends into the ever-growing service member community. Both ladies reached out at different times about how their love for a service member was strong enough to commit to the unknowns of this life. A common theme arose during our conversations—how to continue to further the careers they worked tirelessly to cultivate while moving so frequently and being plopped into different cities or countries. A flood of memories came back to me from when we first started this life seven years ago.

I thought about how lonely I was and how much it meant to have those already established spouses to indoctrinate me into this unique world that I felt thrust into. As I was getting acquainted that first year I was commonly asked whether I had kids and when I got married. I replied, “No, not yet, I am still working on my career,” or the most common, “We were engaged for a year before the military.” I can still feel the awkward brief pause followed by a change of subject. Now that I have kiddos running most of my life, there are times when I’m still met with that very pause when mentioning graduate school. I still feel the need to clearly specify that I knew my husband prior to the military. Recently, I had one of the only active duty female classmates I have met so far begin a conversation with, “Be honest with me. Do you find that the spouses on your street are mostly educated, working, or just wanting to get on the benefits bandwagon?” A little shocked, I confidently said that most of the women I encountered have degrees, are working, or are the grittiest mothers I have ever seen. With underutilized educated service member spouses who, despite stellar credentials, are still unemployed, why do we put all spouses into the box of someone who just married into the military for the benefits? More importantly, why is this perception of a dependent still around?

In my opinion, the reason this spouse stigma has been perpetuated is a factor of our environment. The military system is well defined with regulations, rules, and a ranking system that neatly places all service members into categories with a path toward achievement. As spouses, there seems to be a subconscious thought that the only system we have to define us is our service member’s and because of that we are left trying to create internal order amongst the chaos. This gave way to successful clubs, volunteering opportunities, and social groups that provide camaraderie and an opportunity to serve our community. At our first duty station, these were the women that welcomed me—something for which I will forever be grateful.

Looking back at my specific journey within the community, my acute adjustment period was followed by years of trying to find my place where I felt I truly belonged. Thinking about what my classmate said, a few questions came to mind: What if your specific gifts do not fall into those groups? What if despite being educated, financially it makes more sense for you to raise your children at home? What if your story does not include having children? What if despite wanting to contribute to the community, you struggle with chronic issues which make getting out of bed in the morning the success of the day? Are you now placed in the “dependa” category?

To be clear, this is not to say that the “dependa” terminology does not have basis in truth. There are always those whose choices contribute to the divide, choosing to tear others down rather than build them up. As a spouse community, we are already facing the stressors of service member family life, raising families, finding our place, and employment challenges in the job search ranging from resume gaps to biases concerning our ever-growing list of duty stations. The added worry of judgement from our peers who are most likely experiencing the same kinds of struggles is contributing to an already chaotic atmosphere. Living a lifestyle that constantly brings people into and out of our lives, every PCS season we are faced with a choice: be the person who bridges the divide, willing to find the strengths of those we meet, or widen the already present chasm.

Learning to glean from one another the support, camaraderie, and friendships that get us through the specific hardships this lifestyle throws our way is a must. Sometimes having a person see you for who you truly are, hear your concerns and perceptions of what it means to be the “perfect service member spouse” offers grace that can help you thrive. Admitting past less-than-stellar thoughts, learning from them, and creating the change necessary will better every interpersonal relationship. Diversity has the beautiful potential of allowing all voices to be heard and discovering talents that have yet to be acknowledged, utilized in a way that will produce a better world for the next generation of service member spouses. Let’s bridge the divide.